Sailors have nothing on you, do they? 

Unfortunately, like a sailor, sometimes your message just doesn't reach your loved ones on land quick enough. No fear! We've got a voucher for that, and they don't even expire.

Peruse through this booklet of sinful swears and pick just the right one to tear out and personalise for your friends. And family? Probably not your boss though. 

Write their name, in any imaginative form you desire, sign it off (with your real name if you're truly fearless) and delivery your message without having to work a single muscle in your face to do so. Who said writing letters was a dead art?!